My absence has not been absent from the forefront of my mind. My heart is here, writing away, sharing pieces of me with you.
As I have been away, there were many a things that grabbed a hold of me.
Although there were many, there was just one that left it’s lasting touch on my soul.
As you have seen from my previous writings, you know that I just want to be vulnerable and real, telling of the experiences that I have learned and been through in the short time I have been on God’s earth. My hope is that you would hear the desperate tone that is in my voice, and that you would read between the lines and see my heart out in the open.
My life in reality, behind the screen and keyboard, is the same as I portray it here to you.
I am vulnerable.
I am honest.
I am transparent.
Two hundred percent of the time.
I know I have discussed my hardships with this in prior writings.
I firmly believe that this world is a hurting, and broken place. I firmly believe that there needs to be more love and grace in order for this world to keep on spinning. I once thought it was my job to provide that to the world, but thank the Lord above that I allowed that weight to be taken off of my shoulders.
It started when I was fifteen, but I was real. I did not deny the hardships that I went through already in life. I experienced it, I coped with it, I learned from it. I did not “push it under the rug”, but now I know why people do push things that life hands them under the rug.
To say that it is painful to have eyes that see and to have ears that hear, is an understatement, because you become one of the very few with those eyes and ears. You start to feel powerless because you can’t do much more then pray, and thats a hard thing to accept if you’re someone like me; someone who desires to give, help, serve.. being a doer.
I saw the brokenhearted at the age of fifteen. I wasn’t wrapped up in what was the latest trendy outfit to wear or the latest gossip between my girlfriends (although I was still human, so of course I was in love with Justin Bieber).
Ears to hear. Eyes to see.
This costed me friendships and relationships that I never thought would end because of my whole hearted love toward someone.
But thats the thing, in my experience, people don’t want to be asked about the stuff that hurts. In my experience, people want to live the life that they have set up for themselves, a life that sustains them – but does not allow them to thrive.
So, here I am. Twenty-something years old still battling with the same confusion of why individuals get gravely offended and awkward when you start talking about the real effects of this world on a soul.
But I am learning. I am learning that there is a time and a place for openness. I am learning that this world is a fight-to-survive world when all I want to do is love other people until they see that it is possible to be whole again.
I suppose the balance, and my journey, will continue for some time.