It’s a history of survival. A long standing one at that.
The definition of surviving is to continue to live or exist, especially in spite of danger or hardship.
Through instability, I survived.
Through Chaos, I survived.
Through mental, emotional, and physical abuse, I survived.
Through poverty, I survived.
Through neglect, I survived.
Through abandonment, I survived.
For so long, I was in survival mode, not because I wanted to, clearly, but because I had to. I had to survive so that I wouldn’t run away and be homeless as a twelve year old. I had to survive because someone had to believe in me, someone had to give me hope for a better day to come.
My dilemma is this: how does someone go from surviving to thriving? Better yet, how does someone go from surviving to just living. I feel as if I am a recovering alcoholic. I get urges to put walls up faster then you could ever imagine. I ache for closeness but push people away when they don’t meet my unspoken expectations.
I am now living a life that is worth living. I am stable. I am loved. I am whole. I am trying to invest in my future financially and physically by pursuing my career. Although, I don’t know how to balance the anxiety with the “healthy worried thought”. I am told to be in the moment, I am told that I simply over think everything.
I am trying. I am trying to figure out how to do this whole healthy-functioning lifestyle after years of trials and downfalls. I am built to survive. Now I need to figure out how to let go of my survival traits so that I can thrive. The thought alone gives me anxiety, but I know that I have a God who loves me and who goes before me. I just need to practice applying that to my life.
I hope that this finds you in good season. That you are choosing joy and laughter instead of worry and stress. Life is a journey, let us all take it one day at a time.