I write to make a difference. We all know that words can change the course of history, if they are used in the correct manner. I come to you today in hopes that you take away some hope from the situation that follows.
I have a guest who is going to share a story, a difficult story to tell.
This person is dear to my heart not only because of what she went through, but because of the type of soul that she has. Not often do we find souls that are purely genuine, that are purely sincere. Well, she is one of them folks. To those of you who have ears, hear this story, listen to this story, and be impacted in a way that changes your life in a positive way.
Before you continue, imagine your life and think of your best friend, the person you would literally do anything for. Now picture that same person, shutting you out of their life.
I was sexually assaulted by my best friend’s husband.
She wrote me off like I was her 5th grade best friend and I stole her boyfriend during recess. She made it seem like this was my fault, not his. And though it may be my fault that I didn’t tell her sooner, it doesn’t change what he did. I was afraid of losing my best friend, my person. I’ve been in a constant battle with myself, “Maybe it really was my fault”, or.. “is it really considered sexually assault?”, or.. “I mean he didn’t rape me, so everything will be okay.”. Like I said, constant battle.
Everything is not okay. For the past 9 months I have been fighting myself, hoping that I will eventually “get over it,” but I’ve realized it is just not that simple. She blamed me, she told me I encouraged him and lead him on, but I was the one telling him no. Over and over again. I was fighting for her relationship.
I am going to give context and details on the situation to help you better understand where I am at mentally, and where I am at emotionally trying to cope with this situation.
I was staying at her house because we had been drinking. We were celebrating our 21st birthdays together. Our designated driver took his girlfriend home, so it was just her, me and her husband left. Unfortunately, she was a little too intoxicated to stay awake any longer, but I was a little too intoxicated to keep everything down. I tried to eat so I could sober up, but I couldn’t. I found myself in the bathroom throwing up in the toilet, soon to be accompanied by her husband.
He wanted to make sure I was okay. I was, don’t get me wrong! Just sick. I respected him. He was a very respectable guy, until his next few moves. He started rubbing my back, wanting to “make sure I was okay,” then he put his hand underneath my shirt, unclipping my bra. Getting up quickly, I went to the kitchen to get some water and he followed. I told him I was fine and that he needed to go to bed. He didn’t. He proceeded to my room after I had been alone for awhile and slid into bed with me. “You need to leave,” was my response. But, maybe I should have phrased that differently, “GET OUT!”, would have been more suitable. But I didn’t, and that’s the thing.
I can’t change anything from that night, and if I could I would. I can’t change what I said, I can’t go back and punch him in the face, because maybe then he would’ve gotten the message, right? After telling him to leave multiple times, it wasn’t until he stuck his fingers inside of me that he “realized” what he was doing. I don’t remember what I said, or what I did to make him leave, but he left my room and I haven’t seen him since.
For some reason I still feel like I have to validate why this is not my fault, so I looked up the definition of sexual assault. Sexual assault: a sexual act in which a person is coerced or physically forced to engage against their will, or a non-consensual sexual touching of a person.
This was non-consensual.
HE IS MARRIED.
He is married to my best friend.
The person I would literally do anything for. I thought she knew me well enough to realize that maybe there was more to the story, but she believed what she heard from him. Of course, he is love of her life.
I have built up this anger towards myself for 9 months.
I am mad that it happened.
I am mad I allowed myself to consume that much alcohol.
I am mad I didn’t just walk out of one room, I had to leave multiple rooms to escape this man.
I’m mad that I continuously blame myself when I wanted no part of this.
I am mad that I can’t just LET IT GO.
But it’s impossible. She was my best friend. My person. The one I would want to run to about something like this happening to me, but she is the one who shut me out. I can’t let go of a pain that deep, but I can try my hardest to take something positive away from this situation. Which is what brings me here today.
I want to share my story so that no one else feels like they have to just “deal with it”.
I don’t want to just sit here, feeling sorry for myself, as their life continues as a happily married couple.
I need to bring something away from this situation, something that can help others, something that can help me heal since I am doing it quietly by myself, until now.
I want to tell you that there are things that will make you feel like you aren’t good enough. There are things that will make you feel like you will never be good enough for anyone, like you aren’t loved, or that you aren’t worthy of love.
But I am here to tell you that it is your imagination.
You are loved.
You are enough.
You are worthy.
And the moment you realize that, that is the moment you set yourself free.