Haunted

I was, and oddly still am, comfortable with chaos.

I grew up in and around it. That’s all I ever knew. When I was a child and pre-teen, I hated it. The yelling, screaming, crying, and endless fighting.

I was that one friend who always wore hand me down clothes, who’s parents were divorced and the one who always tried to stay the night at a friend’s house so I wouldn’t have to go home. I remember feeling like such the odd one out. All my friends had parents who were still married, had cars that weren’t falling apart, and had clothes and shoes that didn’t have holes in them.

That’s all I wanted, or so I thought.

I’m twenty three, married, and almost done with college. If you knew where I came from, you would know that there is weight to that sentence. I was never set up for success. I was purely set up to fail, due to my environment.

So when I tell you that I dated a guy for three years who cheated on me and manipulated me the whole duration of our relationship, you might understand why I tolerated such a thing for so long. The manipulation, the fighting, and the crying. I thought that is how relationship’s work. That’s all I ever knew.

Individuals succumb to their environment, they adapt and change accordingly. So why do I feel as if I am being haunted by my past? Why have I not adapted emotionally to my new lifestyle?

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I believe that those who go through such an amount of trauma, whether that be emotionally, mentally, physically, or psychologically, they are impacted for life. I don’t think that it has the power to overcome an individual completely, but I do think it changes a person internally. Absolutely.

I know so many women and girls who dream of having the life I have. I have a considerable balance in my savings account, I live in a apartment that has more space then I need, I drive a new car, I have a job that not only pays my bills, but supports my coffee habits, and I have a husband who is the definition of unconditional.

There are girls out there who are still in the in-between phase. You know, the phase of life where you are overloaded in college courses, dating a guy that you don’t have the time to date but can’t seem to resist anyways. The phase where you only get four hours of sleep on an average night because you are balancing three jobs.

Yeah, that phase.

There are girls who are still there. I was one of them for a few years. I dreamed of marriage as I went on dates. I thought of my career as I wrote my twelve page papers. I paid the car payments with my income from my three jobs. I snoozed the alarm on my sleepless nights.

So tell me something..

Why am I finding myself daydreaming of the lifestyle that I just came out of? Why is it that when we get what we have always wanted, our desires shift.

I think that I crave the late nights, early mornings, sleep deprived days because I have always been in survival mode. I have always only known how to strive to survive. Sitting still and being content is not my thing. I suppose this is just a lesson that you learn in your twenties.

I am slowly learning to be in the here and now, to be in today and not in yesterday. I learned many good lessons in my past and now it is time to apply them in my future – which is now.


T.

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5 thoughts on “Haunted

  1. I really enjoyed this. I can definitely relate to a lot of what your saying and I have actually been writing a piece about my apparent difficulty with “settledness” in life. I find too, that as soon as I get what I want (or what I thought I wanted like you said), I realize it’s maybe not what I wanted at all. Life is confusing, for sure, but beautiful none the less.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can relate to this post. Familiarity is easier than carving out a new path on unknown territory. Conditioning, good or bad and a mixture of both, made us to this point. Letting go of the parts which do not help is awkward. I tend to get disappointed in myself because it didn’t work. My ego gets bruised so to speak. It is this chiseled out hole where your contour fits. However, I have found great solace and realization in making today the best day. Gratitude. I like to think of the past as a reference point. Today is now and learn from the reference points. Our tastes change and our ideas grow. Hopefully, we can move beyond survival mode easier the next time we come across it. I try to take note of all the good in my life often because it will change. Life is always changing. Change is a constant variable. The moment will pass and with that moment maybe, just maybe we learned something from it to better our present. Thanks for sharing. Stay beautiful!

    Liked by 1 person

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