An Open Window Of My Heart

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Trying to figure out where you belong is a difficult journey. What makes it even harder is when you feel called to a certain area or expertise, but the door that leads down that road hasn’t been opened yet.

Have you ever felt this way? Where you feel that you are positive you belong in a certain place, or that you are certain you were made to do something big?

When I first entered my adolescent years I was certain that God had called me to a fast pace, bright lights kind of life. I was certain that he was going to have me travel around the world speaking to other women about how great His work is. My soul was on fire, and there was no containing it.

Around the time when I was ten years old, my mother would always listen Joyce Meyer as she would clean house. If you ever listened to her speak, you would know why I am mentioning her here. Joyce is straight to the point, she doesn’t beat around the bush when it comes to salvation. She is confident in the Lord’s capabilities to do a good work, and she want’s you to know about it. Let’s turn the clock forward a few years. When I was fifteen I started doing Beth Moore bible studies with the women’s ministry in my local church. Beth is from the south, she is used to a simple, more slower pace of life; but you couldn’t tell when she is pouring her heart out on stage (besides her big hair, of course!). She is powerful, moving, and confident. Another woman that has had a great impact on my walk with the Lord is Christine Caine. This woman is on fire. She is loud, bold, and passionate. If you were to ask, “who is a good example of a Christian that shows their faith in their works?”, I would point you to Christine. She has a history of abandonment issues and sexual abuse, thing’s that can surely wreck a woman, but those thing’s never kept her from the Lord’s calling on her life, it fueled her fire.

There still is a piece of my heart that long’s for such thing’s, but my certainty was mixed up with my own human emotions. The lights, the attention, the difference being made, all these thing’s were clouding my judgement. But what if you took all that away, the stage, the camera’s, the light’s, would you still have the same passion?

The Lord has taught me many things over the last six years, many that I hope to share with you some day. I am not claiming that my passion or desire to share His works has dwindled, I am claiming that the Lord has taught me something different.

Do you see what I saw? I saw passion, I was surrounded by it. I saw what it looked like to speak and have no fear in front of thousand’s of women. I saw fearlessness, bravery, and confidence. I remember thinking to myself, “this is it, this is what I am meant to do.”.

The Lord allowed me to live with this fire in my heart to see all of the thing’s that faith could accomplish, all of the thing’s that trust, bravery, passion, and fearlessness could do.

I was scared to slow down, I was certain that marriage wasn’t for me, I simply thought I was meant for more.

Oh how I was wrong…

Little did I know that the Lord was calling me to marriage. I fought this and fought this, but ultimately it’s God who win’s battles, ha.

The courtship with my (now husband), was hard. I was in conflict because I felt that God just somehow forgot about “His calling” on my life. Surely I was in for a treat. I was too busy trying to figure out what God was doing, that I couldn’t even sit still long enough to see what He was doing.

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Photography: Stephen Medina Photography

He brought me a man that was all about the “simple life”, and I just kept getting more and more confused. I couldn’t have a simple man, I was made for fast pace! He brought me a man that was full of joy 24 hours a day, 8 days a week, and I am over here stressed trying to figure out which major would get me to my dreams faster.

Do you see the pattern?

I tried to claim God’s calling on my life based on an amazing season that He allowed me to experience. 

I didn’t ask what His intention’s were, I just assumed.

But now that I have learned how to be present in the moment, how to be in the here and now, and not in tomorrow or yesterday, I have gained so much wisdom that I missed out on.

I have gained a fiery passion to reach those who are broken. I am certain of this, and can not be stopped. I will reach those who are in need, and I will share with them what the Lord has done for so many, including me.

I can do this in large, brave ways, and I can do this in small, simple ways. What I know now, that I didn’t know before, is that both of these path’s lead to the same ending.

I can still make an impact, whether that be living in a huge city, or living off of a backroad somewhere out in the holler.

The affirmation is surreal. I never once wanted to slow down, in fact I was always thinking of ways to speed up, but now here I am craving simpler things with a big-fat-passionate-fiery-motivated-heart. I’m not sure of the road that the Lord is going to take take me down in the next season, but that’s okay.

I am going to trust that where I am, and who I am, is where and who I am meant to be. A loving wife. A friend who wear’s her heart on her sleeve. A over organized college student. And a passionate lover of Christ.

With all of that being said, I hope that my word’s encourage and remind you to slow down, to listen, to look, and to trust.


T.

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2 thoughts on “An Open Window Of My Heart

  1. Yes! Yes! Yes! I loved every single piece of this entry. Would I still want my passion without the glitz and glam? What a great question I need to take a moment to ponder on. Loved it! Knew every single woman you mentioned, except for Christine, thanks for the introduction.

    Glad you’re back! For a moment I thought marriage had swallowed you whole… Lol.

    Welcome home 🙂

    And what a gorgeous picture of you and hubby! Loving it! Especially the piercing, yet gentle presence of the “son.” 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. What a sweet response! I have to be honest, I was very nervous to share this post with the world. I truly feel that this is a window into my heart, I was fully and completely vulnerable and honest.
      Thank you for welcoming me back! I have been aching to write! Life has been crazy with the new adjustments, and trying to find our footing (I am sure I’ll post about that sometime in the near future) 😉
      I am glad another woman got introduced to the life altering Christine Caine! Enjoy her!
      Thanks again for the response!
      T.

      Liked by 1 person

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