Reflecting: Let Me Be Honest

As human’s, we get so use to our way of life, we make it how we want it and if thing’s go differently – we don’t like it.

Two years ago, my life consisted of working two full time job’s, checking in at the gym twice a day, five days a week, attending college classes online, and living on my own.

This seem’s like a go-getter hard working life style, and to other’s I was looked at like I could balance anything because I always kept a beaming smile on my face.

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If I am going to be completely honest, which is even hard for me to confess, that was the hardest season of my life. Not because I was so “busy” and I was balancing so much on my plate, but because of what was going on inside of me. My heart, my mental state, that’s where the struggle was.

The word’s taste so bitter coming out of my mouth, I want to say that was the best time in my life. Being twenty and twenty one with no commitment’s and doing whatever you want, when ever you want, it’s great! Although for me, and I am sure for many, I was just covering up pain’s and insecurities from my yesterdays.

I was addicted to fitness because I got all of the attention that I wanted at the gym. I would go to socialize, all of my friends and the town’s hottest guys worked out at the same place. It remind’s me of middle school hallway’s now that I think back to it, “Oh my gosh, did you hear what Kyle said to Veronica yesterday? I am positive they hung out! Didn’t he tell you he was busy though?“.

Like, seriously?

I filled up my schedule with no free time because I didn’t want to slow down, if you slowed down, you could think. All those thought’s would come rushing into my head and bombard my emotional state, and I couldn’t have that. So on top of my gym life, I worked full time at Starbucks, and was also a full time nanny.

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I worked at least sixty hour weeks on minimum, and it seemed that everyone was applauding me for my effort’s. I guess I mastered the art of masking. Go me..

My day’s were long, and my night’s were longer. I filled my life above the brim so I wouldn’t stop and think, so I wouldn’t stop and feel. But when I did, thing’s got real.

I faced many demons from my past, and I fought many of my own battles for the first time – from health battles, to my mental state, and figuring out a healthy emotional state. This season came with a lot of tears. A lot of tears. Instead of running from my pain like I always did, I faced it, I didn’t back down, and so all I could do was cry.

I cut ties that were so difficult to cut, I lost friendship’s cause I changed my way of life, I made time for myself, I made time for rest. I mended broken bridges, I cultivated healthy relationship’s.

It seemed that after I crippled myself, I was starting to walk again.

It is the strangest thing, really, because we make our life a certain way, we love it, we are use to it, and we fight change, but what about when we embrace change?

It isn’t the same for everyone, but those of you who know that conviction in your heart, know what you need to do in order to start living a healthy life. I share a short of my story to try and help encourage, because it is possible.

If you were to ask me two years ago if I wanted to get married within the next year or two, I would laugh so hard I would cry. If you were to ask me if I thought I would be financially, mentally, and emotionally stable within the next year or two I would say of course! (in denial and disbelief).

So yes, I put on ten pounds after I changed my fitness routine to a more healthier one, but it was worth it. I slowed down enough to focus on my nerve damage from a previous injury instead of ignore it. I focused in on my health and stopped having so many heart palpitations.

Let’s be real with our selves, we all have issue’s, but when we cover them up, the underlying one’s just get worse and we damage our well being.

I’m married. I’m stable. I’m learning.

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One choice, one action, can start a chain of event’s that will make your road a little less rocky in the long run. Allow me to be clear, buy yourself a Costco size package of tissue boxes because it’s not going to be easy, but you know that you are a fighter, you know you can accomplish anything you put your mind to.

“I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”

Philippians 4:12-13, NIV


T.

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