I find myself in a constant battle.
I often times hear myself say, if I was just left in the life I was living I wouldn’t have to feel how I am feeling now, I wouldn’t have the eye’s to see the damage and pain in my family.
I feel so helpless about it all. It rips my heart in half and I am in a battle with myself on learning how to balance what I have and how I can give back, and when to know that there are certain thing’s that are just out of your hands.
There are million’s of people with stories like mine, I am sure, and there are many people who have had more hardship’s then I did growing up. I wonder how they handled it, I wonder how they got to a stable place and looked back at the dysfunction that they came from and longed to help.
When I look at my little sister, my heart feels as if it tightens, along with my throat. I know that the absence of a father in her life effect’s her in ways she isn’t even aware of just yet. My heart screams to take her from that place and invest in a better future for her. No structure produces an imbalance in one’s life.
Am I suppose to sit here and watch as she grows into whatever it is that she may become? How is that so? I can’t help but think that if I could rewind time and give her my place she would have a better chance of a brighter future.
I’ve discussed my sibling’s, that I have six of them, five of them being brothers. I’ve explained that I had a hard time getting along with one of them. Michael and I fought more then just a typical brother and sister. When I look back into my childhood, I now understand why. My brother was at a older age then I was, he saw thing’s and understood thing’s that I didn’t. He was hurting internally, so he chose alcohol, friends, and anger as his outlet.
Growing up, I remember dysfunction clearly. Of course I didn’t know that it was dysfunction or unhealthy at the time, I just knew that my family was different then the rest of my friends’ family’s.
I remember my brother Josh visiting one morning, he never visited so when he did it was like a breath of fresh air. He would always sit with me and ask about my life, he would spend time with me. Genuine time. I remember him coming over explaining that he would be going away for awhile and that he wouldn’t be able to come and visit anymore. I remember what I felt in that moment, it was like someone grabbed my heart through my chest and squeezed. I didn’t understand what was happening, but I cried and begged him not to leave as I clenched on to his jacket.
I remember my brother Zach coming home one day telling my mom that he had fallen and blacked out as he was hanging out with friends downtown. My mother took him to the doctor to run some test’s and found out that he had what was called Epilepsy. I remember moment’s when his eyes would glaze over and his knee’s would give out from under him. I remember rushing to his side, holding his head in-between my hands, asking him if he could hear me. I remember my dad telling me that I have to be emotionally strong for Zach, because he wasn’t able to be that right now.
There are so many moment’s from my childhood that I never understood, but as I look back, I now see their impact. These heart wrenching moment’s taught me to be strong, they taught me to survive.
Staying rooted in where I am today, mentally, emotionally, and physically, is difficult.
When I spend time thinking about the thing’s that I was brought out of, I feel selfish. I felt selfish for a long time. There was anger in my heart. I often thought, “I am good at not feeling, they should have left me where I was, I can’t take seeing this happen to my family.”.
I am not sure if the feeling of this heart ache will ever go away, but I know that I need to keep moving forward.
I know that I need to keep investing in my future so that I can be an example for my sibling’s, to show them that you can make anything out of nothing.